Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Moonlit Cow and other stories

Did you know that cows are amongst the top causes for global warming? Cows release up to 200 liters of methane per day in farts.

The facts stated above are just one of the reasons why I hate cows. Veronica, my so-called friend doesn't understand me. She parodies my intense hatred for them with statements such as this -
"I fucking hate cows. I'm scared of them. When I see a cow I scream like a little bitch and run away. " And today, after trying to buy some milk to drink with our chocolate cake, she added,
"Damn those cows! And damn Mother Dairy for not even having milk." If only people would stop making fun of me about this.

I think it all began when I was in primary school. I used to walk down with my dad and sister to the bus-stop where my school bus arrived. Inevitably, a big, fat, lumbering cow would saunter by, and my father and sister would (for some perverse reason) jeer "there goes your friend!." Ok, ok, granted that this hardly keeps me awake at night, tossing and turning between firfulls of sleep and nightmares...still, the effect these kinds of comments had on me as a 7 year old are, well, quite clearly manifest today in my abhorrence of cows.

And, of course, cows hate me. Sometime last year, I was walking around campus late at night with good ol' Veronica (I swear she has something to do with this), when, out of nowhere, this huge, filthy cow charged at us (at me) from the bushes. The sight was enough to freeze anyone with fear - its horns were twisted at strange, grotesque angles, foam spilling out of its mouth, while it grunted and groaned. It was a hitherto unknown species of cow - it was the rabid cow.

I, of course, screamed. I screamed and ran away (like the brave little toaster I am). Veronica soon followed suit, although she claims she was only trying to keep up with me, as I sped away in utter fear from the rabid cow. I think they smell fear.

Another incident happened just the other night. Me, Veronica and Jezebel were sitting around the campus dhaba (a tea-shop), chatting away about some pretentious topic or the other. We noticed after some time that a cow (my arch foe) was skulking around in some bushes far away, scouting around for some garbage (the filthy beasts). I turned away from the scene, focusing instead on my two compatriots, so that my back was turned on the cow. I was animatedly telling the two a story, when I suddenly noticed a queer expression on Veronica's face. She half-motioned towards the distance, whereupon I turned and saw, to my utmost horror, that the cow was only inches from where I sat. For a few seconds I sat, paralyzed with fear, watching as the cow slowly walked towards me, its white body eerily reflecting the moonlight. As I came to my senses, I screamed "mummy!", and ran to hide behind Jezebel (yes, I am not very brave). The cow sauntered by nonchalently, while my 'friends' laughingly berated me for being so 'foolish'. But they didn't catch the glimmer in the cow's eye as it passed by our group.

3 comments:

Veronica said...

I think you might have misrepresented the so called "rabid cow." We weren't actually close enough to see whether or not it was foaming at the mouth, and maybe it was running away in panic from one of those stray dogs rather than charging. It's possible - No?

And yes, I ran after you because you ditched me in the street not because I was scared of the rabid cow. I hope everyone understands that.

The Diplomat's Daughter said...

Uh huh, I am SO sure! You were totally running away too. And, if I remember correctly, you were the one who christened the cow the "rabid coaw". So there! Hah!

Veronica said...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Liar.